Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
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this came to me in a vision
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.