Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
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There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust