Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
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What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Eggs benadryl my favourite
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
CRYING
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Buck naked
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski