Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
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Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I enjoy a good short stor
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…