Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
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I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Welcome to the stomach
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls