Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
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Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Facebook memories be like
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”