Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
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I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
How is it still this week?
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people