Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
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People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.