@ceejoyner: Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
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@CroweJam: There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
@lovemydogduck: I have an eating disorder. I'm about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
@patrickmarkryan: Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage
@thatUPSdude: Can't figure out if my dad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It's tense! "The green one dad, not the Red one!"