Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
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I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.