@TheLadBible: Misplaced advertising.
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@dafloydsta: [phone call] KIDNAPPER: We're gonna kill your wife if you don't pay ME: *making wind noises* I CAN'T HEAR YOU I'M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
@HomeProbably: I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
@AbrasiveGhost: UK Scientist: We've engineered a new species of cyanobacteria U.S. scientist: We've made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
@imchriskelly: i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it