Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
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And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?