Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
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I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
If looks could kill
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.