I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”