Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
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wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
A completely valid reaction tbh
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.