Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
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I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.