Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
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HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.