I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
You Might Also Like
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Breaking news:
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.