Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
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I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
the Monday after daylight savings
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.