Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
*seductively peels off lederhosen
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.