Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
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wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows