Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
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ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Why I divorced her.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose