god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
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I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.