Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
The future is now.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.