Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
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We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?