MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
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I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
we’re gonna need another temp
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”