MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
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“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone