MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
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This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
My biological clock is wheezing.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Someone just threatened to call me later
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
This device could predict incoming phone calls.