MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
You Might Also Like
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Well, shit
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
The little toadstool has spoken.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me