It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
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I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor