Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
You Might Also Like
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.