Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
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I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
not seeing the problem