Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
You Might Also Like
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong