Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
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[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I beg your pardon?
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right