Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
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So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
*has no idea what a book even is*
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.