Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
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This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Pandas 🐼🖤