Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
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Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit