Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
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[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”