@Tmoney68: Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
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@markydoodoo: THERAPIST: what brings you in today? ME: sharks lack the ability to hug. THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
@TEXASVETERAN: I just swallowed my record player's needle and nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happe
@alesiavsworld: Creep yelling from window: "HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?" Me yelling back: "HE DEAD" Him: "WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?" Me: "HE YELLED AT ME"
@AverageCorners: My garden shed door keeps opening and closing. Is it the wind? Yes. Am I going to tell my kids it's haunted so they stay out? Also yes.