Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
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No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Okay me first
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter