@krishna_van: Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the 'Gangnam Style'.
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@sucittaM: Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
@JB4Realz: Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.
@OrangeFact: If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don't buy them. Chances are you've already done enough drugs.
@WilliamAder: If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.