I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
You Might Also Like
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.