Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
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If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early