@robfee: Mitt Romney announcing he’s not running for president is like Johnny Depp announcing there won’t be a sequel to Mortdecai.
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@iamkevinito: Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.
@sixfootcandy: Me: Aww a valentine! Officer: It's a ticket. Me: A ticket to your heart. Officer: Ma'am, will you- Me: Yes! I'll marry you.
@NicestHippo: *tries online dating* Oh…oh no *tries real life dating* Ok this is actually worse somehow