@robfee: Mitt Romney announcing he’s not running for president is like Johnny Depp announcing there won’t be a sequel to Mortdecai.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Where were you supposed to poop? 2-year-old: The potty. Me: So why didn’t you? 2: I’m too busy.
@Eagle_Vision: Please enjoy my "Here's Your Sign" tweet collection, designed to ward off Twitter trolls.
@LoveNLunchmeat: My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I'm always seeing double. It's a nightmare! Optometrist: Ma'am you have identical twins...
@tpurvis06: Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought "damn so easily entertained" then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.