Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
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In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”