11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
You Might Also Like
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
sleeping beauty
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.