Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
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What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.