Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
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Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.