If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
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Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.