“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
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Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME