mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
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Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”