“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
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“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.